My Life Through a Lens, Part IISunday, December 6, 2015
My Life Through a Lens is a (hopefully) monthly series of random photographs I have loved.
I haven't really felt like blogging. Honestly, I feel like I am not myself lately. Maybe it's the holidays making me sick of commercialism but still finding myself busier. Maybe it's the fact that I have bitten off more than I can chew with two jobs. Maybe it's because I am learning I really don't like little kids in large quantities and I feel horrible about it. Maybe it is because finally, after three years, I saw my best friend in the world and it was like there had never been a gap unfilled. We got on like we had never been separated and I was so very happy, but now I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I might not ever see her again. These feelings happen to me and I don't have any control over them.
Maybe I just feel too much. Yes, that is it. I am not normally a person with tons of feelings, but God know they are everywhere these past few weeks. I am so very overwhelmed.
I saw you for the first time since I can't remember when. Hundreds of miles and states and highways had separated us, but we had a joyous opportunity to finally see each other's faces again in the soft glow of Christmas lights. We drove 6 hours in the rain, wind, and darkness to find you, to see your son's beautiful smile (and to think that actually, toddlers are not so bad after all), and to reunite what we had separated so long ago, by adult choices. Being an adult is hard. You have to make decisions that you know are for the best but at the same time are so very fucking painful. Happiness doesn't come without loss and I knew that I had to lose everyone eventually. Even if I had not left, you would have soon left, because being an adult is all about doing what's best for yourself and your family. It's not ruled by keeping up with cocktails and farmer's markets hauls.
I have always loved my new home, but I did miss you. Moving is so very difficult - more so than I ever imagined. I still don't have a lot of friends and I still don't know what I'm doing here. I only know that I can never, ever go backwards again, even if that means losing contact with people who have been so important in my transition to adulthood. Does that make me a bad friend?
Really, you might not think so, but I feel like I should have been a better friend. Every text that went unanswered, every few days I didn't talk to you, every picture of your child I didn't click like on... I feel like I should have loved you more. But now, you are going away. Maybe for a short while, but probably for a long while. Maybe forever. Admittedly, I am upset that you're going so far away. There are so many cultural wonders of the world and I am so happy to see you experience them, but I am selfishly sad that I won't be a part of it. I told you I was a crappy friend.
Perhaps, someday, there will be a little house in Seattle with rainy windows and a sill that a person can sit on. Maybe there will be lots of hot coffee and waffle trucks and maybe I'll even consider having a child of my own. Or maybe I will have a home in sunny Texas, be childless, and become a real writer. Maybe you will be there in my future, but maybe you won't. Saying "I don't know" is the hardest and most grown-up thing anyone has ever had to do.
Maybe, someday, everything we ever said would happen will happen, but I don't know today. Today, I am riddled with doubts. Today, my feelings are gushing and I don't feel like my normal self, so I will continue to fly and let the future become what is it. I will doubt and I will hope and I will not be unhappy.